I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
