it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
