We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
worst night to have a conscience
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Randomize
