There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
