I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
