but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Randomize
