one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
