Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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