Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
