it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Randomize
