my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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