When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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