My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
please come you make the beer taste better
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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