I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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