Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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