Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
