if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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