T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
