My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Congratulations! We have a period
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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