right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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