I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
