he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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