All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
