At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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