Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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