I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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