is wine microwaveable?
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
