I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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