Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
So squirting runs in the family.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
