woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
We talked him into tasing himself.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
