I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
