U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
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