then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
