Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
