A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
We are all done wearing pants today
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
