I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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