so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
