Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
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