By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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