You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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