You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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