I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
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