I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
