Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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