I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
