so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
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