Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
