walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
