How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
