I want to make a zoo with you.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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