I could have mohawked her pubes.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Randomize
